I spent exactly
17 years trying to be too good
Another 17 years rebelling against that and being bad, bitter, and lost
I think I may be finally ready to look for me
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Origins
On that short, one block walk to the lake shore park I imagine parents who were happy?... confused?... uncertain of what to feel or what would be expected. Their little baby, going outside for the first time, one of the first things they attempted to do together as parents. I of course just stared up at the bare tree branches a lot, and took it all in.
My father's experience inside must have been blocked, or conflicted, or incomplete somehow, maybe in ways he didn't realize, since he was already cheating on my mom by then.
Perhaps my mom did not know yet. Her fantasy may have prevailed against the warning signs; or perhaps evidence of the truth pushed her further into denial, dissociation.
But they walked along. They were new parents.
My parents didn't anticipate that ultraviolet rays burn even in the cold. So I got a blistering sunburn on my face, at eight weeks old.
One of the first things they attempted to do together as parents. And the result.
My grandma gave them hell for not thinking about that later. Psychosoma: the overly sensitive area tingling on the right side of my face, returning to that same spot in the sun.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Venn diagram
All of the pain that was done to me
All that was robbed from me, that I never learned
About loving, about living in family, and real relationships
About being a child
About being wrong
And still being loved
About struggling as a man honestly, and accepting less than perfection
All the touch I never felt
And comfort I never received
These things I never knew that I never knew
And the tears I never cried
Belong in the first circle.
All the pain I have done
And continue to do
Which was only my fault
All the love that was rushed
By my angst of aloneness
All the good love starved of presence
By my anxiety of sitting still
All the trust I have shattered
And hearts I have dropped
Pain I have caused
Sincere promises I have failed at
Excuses i've given
And demeaning of myself;
Plus a future of only the same
Because I am "not healthy enough yet for a relationship"
And thus never yet have been
Even throughout attempting bonds
I thought could meet both our needs
These fill up the second circle
And I in my tears
Am in the intersection
Seeing for the first time both
Stricken by both
Mourning both
Mourning the loss
Of a self never known, and never presented
Of the holes in my heart
I have bled onto others
Staining what I wanted to keep
Of the irresponsibility
Of so many choices I have made
For wrong reasons, or simply at the wrong time
Of a hurt that is living today
Given birth through me
That my truest intentions cannot change
Because I in this state
Can create no other.
No child,
No family,
No true love
Only pain
What I was not handed
I cannot pass on
And never will be able to of my own power
So Abba you may decide
What miracle to grant me
For I am destroyed just as I destroy
And am no more
Than the splinters at my feet
All that was robbed from me, that I never learned
About loving, about living in family, and real relationships
About being a child
About being wrong
And still being loved
About struggling as a man honestly, and accepting less than perfection
All the touch I never felt
And comfort I never received
These things I never knew that I never knew
And the tears I never cried
Belong in the first circle.
All the pain I have done
And continue to do
Which was only my fault
All the love that was rushed
By my angst of aloneness
All the good love starved of presence
By my anxiety of sitting still
All the trust I have shattered
And hearts I have dropped
Pain I have caused
Sincere promises I have failed at
Excuses i've given
And demeaning of myself;
Plus a future of only the same
Because I am "not healthy enough yet for a relationship"
And thus never yet have been
Even throughout attempting bonds
I thought could meet both our needs
These fill up the second circle
And I in my tears
Am in the intersection
Seeing for the first time both
Stricken by both
Mourning both
Mourning the loss
Of a self never known, and never presented
Of the holes in my heart
I have bled onto others
Staining what I wanted to keep
Of the irresponsibility
Of so many choices I have made
For wrong reasons, or simply at the wrong time
Of a hurt that is living today
Given birth through me
That my truest intentions cannot change
Because I in this state
Can create no other.
No child,
No family,
No true love
Only pain
What I was not handed
I cannot pass on
And never will be able to of my own power
So Abba you may decide
What miracle to grant me
For I am destroyed just as I destroy
And am no more
Than the splinters at my feet
Monday, August 31, 2009
Drum-making
I am an unfinished drum.
The barrel is life; the animal skin my soul.
Til now, if you strike me, you only get empty thuds,
because my soul has not been stretched enough
to cover the actual shape and size of life.
God is stretching my soul into the shape
of the life he made me to fit.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
growing uncertainty
words about my father's ways
sprouting beliefs about myself
a long time trying to heal her, heal myself
by mowing down any sign of the same within me
never hearing which parts were ok
never hearing parts truly wrong
just the seed of choking vines
thriving in the dark
withering in light
but night
when I am alone
not just in bed, but inside myself
thuderclouds of worry and fear
keep me locked inside
I have no raingear
for her tears
simply water the seeds
of what I'd believed:
father that I never had
i am doomed to be;
husband she had dreamed about
I could never be.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Resurrection/Insurrection
When I woke up this morning, my eyelids rose like the sun,
but Six hours late; the day had begun,
Ran the globe like a Gerbil to keep up with the sun,
So afraid of the dark I'd become.
I looked out on amber waves of grain that had kept my eyes warm,
and realized an enemy had been born.
Where did all this fear come from - I thought I was safe?
at least since Jesus erased my mistakes - My mistake...
Past sins may be covered but future ones remain, with the pain,
That's how God wants us playing this Game...
It's the tension we don't like to mention...
You'll find me huddled in the corner, a mourner,
peering out where the shadows can't find my eyes; I realize
that Rise is a place where we pitch our tents,
but with stakes that are writhing and driving and Bent --
Don't lament -- and yet...
We all play a part in making prophets' dreams come true--
So don't give a hoot: Pitch in, and pollute,
Cause we're sinners, with innards twisted hiding the truth:
With every layer of hurt comes a layer of guilt, settling down like silt,
It's how we're built.
And if Jesus wants to hang there on the cross to forgive us, fine,
But it we'd let him live, he's just be one of us...
He couldn't have gotten up there without us...
Someone had to sin, for Jesus it's an easy roll of the dice --
But we all blame Judas without thinking twice.
I'm Judas, I'm caught in God's catch-22
I'm going to do God's will then Get crucified too
He's a Jew, and they've been taking the fall, for us all,
From hitler, all the way back to Peter and Paul
But wait -- Weren't they Jew's too?
What hope do we have / if Anti-Semitism goes so far back? When the
Jews had to join us, they lost their counter attack.
no more whining, they inherited our hate, and self-hate was born
And centuries on centuries of internalized fathers we'd never be good enough for.
Think you can grow up and escape from the parents inside?
But there's nowhere to hide - there's nowhere to hide...
So we stuff it all down and then turn it to pride...
Not the Bride of Christ but the Bride of Godzilla:
Welcome to America, how can we Kill ya?
No wonder Judas hung himself from the nearest tree;
He wanted to die in time to get Out of Jail free
When Christ busted Gates open, he went along for the ride --
He knew God's plan, and the hell left behind
on Earth... It's Earth Day, and Shakespeare's Birthday
Was it worth it? What do you say? / To play the part
of birthing art through destruction - that's our function -
whether Christian or not - to heap starbucks cups into landfills cum methane fields and drive the wheels for oil spills to all become a lake of FIRE -
Our job is to destroy the planet... so God can finally Damn it.
(Ahem)
M: As we crucify the land and the Sea, we're only
Fulfilling prophecy. What more do you want from me, G?
G: Maybe some pain in your heart for what you're tearing apart.
Worst thing you could do is think you're home free --
You keep forgetting it all depends on ME.
M: But Lord, its Manifest Destiny. We're staking our claim
with our flags and our drills - Aren't you thrilled? We're finally
Getting this thing under control -- and once our drugs defeat death,
We won't need you at all!
G: The stakes in the land are the spikes in my hands -
And the spear in my side's spilling Carbon Dioxide.
M: We'll stick a spear in the permafrost and then light a match - and to the cattle grazing.
We're taking our stand -- Keg stand, that is -- we're gettin you and this planet DRUNK.
And see if you'll survive the hazing.
G: All the sour wine in Cana won't settle your stomachs.
Your acid reflux can't be cured with drugs -
Cause each night it is _I_ who drip in your cups.
...
John said, "whoever sinneth, hath not seen..." But didn't I see him last week?
When I was at my peak? didn't I hear him speak?
But then I sinned again -- so maybe I was just walking with a ghost --
I didn't touch his hands, too caught up in my plans --
Maybe all along my faith has been built on sand...
The only way to enter in is through SIN - THAT brings me down again.
And remember it is hands with holes that hold me - that's why I keep slipping through...
When I start seeming perfect I think I'm Jesus too. So sue me -
Sin needs to be written on my face to help me remember my place.
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Gospel writers had Judas,
The Nazis had Jews,
Its always better to find someone else to accuse
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Hey Jude, your blood-stained clothes couldn't be any wetter;
Take this sad song from me and make it better
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
EasierToHang a Christ from the Cross
than admit he's the Boss;
(until we taste the albatross)
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Now unemployment's Rising, same time as our Lord;
Better let someone else die by the sword
Impale him, let KVI string them from Cords,
Cause the Lords we choose in the end will be Hitler - or Sarah Palin.
So does that mean we're off the hook?
Does american passtime bible-thumping mean we take a bat to the book?
Can we finally look at what we've done -- knowing now that God has won?
Or do we savor the flavor of being saved --
No longer a slave to sin, Now again we want slaves...
No reel me in, feel me Jesus, reveal us / even if its
against free will to seal us. You can't save us from sin -
In fact you need it to win - Cause then we need you,
and that's where we begin.
If you DON'T want to hang yourself regularly, something is definitely wrong -
So touch your friend's hand while you have them along.
And share a piece of your fish, for that hole in their side.
Decorating a Cross? That's just how we share in the ride.
but Six hours late; the day had begun,
Ran the globe like a Gerbil to keep up with the sun,
So afraid of the dark I'd become.
I looked out on amber waves of grain that had kept my eyes warm,
and realized an enemy had been born.
Where did all this fear come from - I thought I was safe?
at least since Jesus erased my mistakes - My mistake...
Past sins may be covered but future ones remain, with the pain,
That's how God wants us playing this Game...
It's the tension we don't like to mention...
You'll find me huddled in the corner, a mourner,
peering out where the shadows can't find my eyes; I realize
that Rise is a place where we pitch our tents,
but with stakes that are writhing and driving and Bent --
Don't lament -- and yet...
We all play a part in making prophets' dreams come true--
So don't give a hoot: Pitch in, and pollute,
Cause we're sinners, with innards twisted hiding the truth:
With every layer of hurt comes a layer of guilt, settling down like silt,
It's how we're built.
And if Jesus wants to hang there on the cross to forgive us, fine,
But it we'd let him live, he's just be one of us...
He couldn't have gotten up there without us...
Someone had to sin, for Jesus it's an easy roll of the dice --
But we all blame Judas without thinking twice.
I'm Judas, I'm caught in God's catch-22
I'm going to do God's will then Get crucified too
He's a Jew, and they've been taking the fall, for us all,
From hitler, all the way back to Peter and Paul
But wait -- Weren't they Jew's too?
What hope do we have / if Anti-Semitism goes so far back? When the
Jews had to join us, they lost their counter attack.
no more whining, they inherited our hate, and self-hate was born
And centuries on centuries of internalized fathers we'd never be good enough for.
Think you can grow up and escape from the parents inside?
But there's nowhere to hide - there's nowhere to hide...
So we stuff it all down and then turn it to pride...
Not the Bride of Christ but the Bride of Godzilla:
Welcome to America, how can we Kill ya?
No wonder Judas hung himself from the nearest tree;
He wanted to die in time to get Out of Jail free
When Christ busted Gates open, he went along for the ride --
He knew God's plan, and the hell left behind
on Earth... It's Earth Day, and Shakespeare's Birthday
Was it worth it? What do you say? / To play the part
of birthing art through destruction - that's our function -
whether Christian or not - to heap starbucks cups into landfills cum methane fields and drive the wheels for oil spills to all become a lake of FIRE -
Our job is to destroy the planet... so God can finally Damn it.
(Ahem)
M: As we crucify the land and the Sea, we're only
Fulfilling prophecy. What more do you want from me, G?
G: Maybe some pain in your heart for what you're tearing apart.
Worst thing you could do is think you're home free --
You keep forgetting it all depends on ME.
M: But Lord, its Manifest Destiny. We're staking our claim
with our flags and our drills - Aren't you thrilled? We're finally
Getting this thing under control -- and once our drugs defeat death,
We won't need you at all!
G: The stakes in the land are the spikes in my hands -
And the spear in my side's spilling Carbon Dioxide.
M: We'll stick a spear in the permafrost and then light a match - and to the cattle grazing.
We're taking our stand -- Keg stand, that is -- we're gettin you and this planet DRUNK.
And see if you'll survive the hazing.
G: All the sour wine in Cana won't settle your stomachs.
Your acid reflux can't be cured with drugs -
Cause each night it is _I_ who drip in your cups.
...
John said, "whoever sinneth, hath not seen..." But didn't I see him last week?
When I was at my peak? didn't I hear him speak?
But then I sinned again -- so maybe I was just walking with a ghost --
I didn't touch his hands, too caught up in my plans --
Maybe all along my faith has been built on sand...
The only way to enter in is through SIN - THAT brings me down again.
And remember it is hands with holes that hold me - that's why I keep slipping through...
When I start seeming perfect I think I'm Jesus too. So sue me -
Sin needs to be written on my face to help me remember my place.
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Gospel writers had Judas,
The Nazis had Jews,
Its always better to find someone else to accuse
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Hey Jude, your blood-stained clothes couldn't be any wetter;
Take this sad song from me and make it better
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
EasierToHang a Christ from the Cross
than admit he's the Boss;
(until we taste the albatross)
Fill the wounds with salt, say it wasn't our fault
Now unemployment's Rising, same time as our Lord;
Better let someone else die by the sword
Impale him, let KVI string them from Cords,
Cause the Lords we choose in the end will be Hitler - or Sarah Palin.
So does that mean we're off the hook?
Does american passtime bible-thumping mean we take a bat to the book?
Can we finally look at what we've done -- knowing now that God has won?
Or do we savor the flavor of being saved --
No longer a slave to sin, Now again we want slaves...
No reel me in, feel me Jesus, reveal us / even if its
against free will to seal us. You can't save us from sin -
In fact you need it to win - Cause then we need you,
and that's where we begin.
If you DON'T want to hang yourself regularly, something is definitely wrong -
So touch your friend's hand while you have them along.
And share a piece of your fish, for that hole in their side.
Decorating a Cross? That's just how we share in the ride.
written for Easter II / COTA Earth Day Reverb 4/25/09
Friday, August 22, 2008
Can husbands command wives?
I mean does God say, I command you woman, I command you man... And what sorts of things does God command in that way, just scripturally evident commands (general ones) or specific things too (like do laundry). I mean there are ways God can speak to us all the time and guide our steps to do God's will, which I believe we often can perceive and which if we listen and do them our lives are enhanced with God...
But the foundation for these commands is the granting of free will and so every command in effect is a request. So if God requests we obey but understands it is our free choice to or not, then it seems to me that husbands are out of line expecting a relational command to be anything different than how God asks and expects of us.
But the foundation for these commands is the granting of free will and so every command in effect is a request. So if God requests we obey but understands it is our free choice to or not, then it seems to me that husbands are out of line expecting a relational command to be anything different than how God asks and expects of us.
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