Impaired: a Good Friday-Easter meditation

Heard: 

"things keep happening for me that I don't deserve. I guess that's what God's grace is - gifts that you don't deserve"

Realized:

To the contrary, my belief is that I have deserved everything that happens to me, good and bad. 

To deserve everything I've gotten, I must be either worthy or worthless; in any case -- all-powerful.

To remain powerful, I have erased my weakness, flaws, friends' attempts at accountability, and the needs of others from my awareness.

Erasing all the real in myself and others keeps me from relating or connecting.

Never relating means I see others not as people, but as objects.

As a subject among objects, any gift or punishment I receive would have to be earned, manipulated, or stolen.

Others, as objects, would not have the autonomy to freely give a gift. 

Having never accepted a freely given gift, I know nothing of thankfulness or humility.

Unable to be thankful or humble, I cannot appreciate God.

Note: the cycle above can be interrupted at any step. The Easter story is about one such interruption. 

'Melancholia' and the advantage of the Abused

Lars von Trier says, in an interview regarding his recent release Melancholia, that

"You can skate across the polished surface in this film. The style is polished, but underneath the smooth surface, there's content. And to get to that, you need to look beyond the polish. But the worst thing to happen was when they said at Nordisk Film: There are some beautiful images,” 

This film has beauty, and it is seductive.  Images of the landscape, the castle, the wedding reception, and of Kirsten Dunst can draw us in.  Von Trier admits the finished picture had a "plastic" quality that nearly turned his own stomach against it.  The filmmaker's creation has almost bested him.  And moreso it may his audiences.  Search the online reviews; few can describe what this movie is about other than the obvious, superficial elements.

On that superficial level, I have to say the film disappoints.  There are no plot twists.  There is no escape from the inevitable.  There is only a witness of how various characters respond to an impending crash of planets.

There is, however, a deeper statement, reflected in the transformation of Dunst's character Justine: from helpless, depressed, and crushed by the weight of everyday life - to clear, direct, purposeful and productive - all as the crisis draws nearer.  It is no coincidence that the character in whom this transformation takes place is a survivor of sexual abuse.

I expect most reviews will miss this background of Justine's character, but the evidence is all there, subtly and unmistakably.  The father who is obsessed with women he jokingly names "Betty" - bringing two of them to the wedding - which we later learn is his pet-name for his daughter.  The mother who openly scorns the marriage ceremony, who later bitterly explains, "I wasn't there when that man had a crack at her body, I wasn't there for her first sexual experience, why should I be there for this stupid ritual."  And, finally, Justine's growing panic as her new husband undresses to consummate their union, requesting a moment to herself - during which she impulsively and violently rapes an innocuous wedding guest in the sand trap on the golf course.   Justine has transferred forward the violence done to her, engaging in anonymous sex, often the only kind of sexuality with which the child victim of sexual abuse can identify.

Justine's history as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse - which is so subtly told it will be lost on most audiences, I'm afraid - provides a crucial backdrop for her prevalent present features: her crippling depression and her strange clarity and strength as the end of the world nears.

Part I, "Justine," shows Justine's debilitating mental illness: the wedding is admittedly a performance, a last-ditch effort to revive her spirits.  Yet it is a failure, she cannot live on her own and ends up back at the castle estate on which her sister's family lives.  She spends days in bed and needs help being lifted physically to the dinner table or the bath.  She is a woman who cannot summon the energy to participate in everyday life on the same terms as others.

There is a thread connecting the instances of Justine's energy, and this is part of the genius of von Trier's script:  Justine comes alive only at opportunities to engage with truth.  She actively seeks out her mother to reveal her feelings of confusion and fear, only to be smote by her mother's jealous bitterness.   Justine shows surprising initiative at chasing down her father and arranging him a room to stay the night, because she needs to speak with him about "something important."  The incestuous father, however, sensing the possible encounter with the truth of his past transgressions, finds the excuse to flee from the confrontation.  The husband of her dreams, while making dull attempts at kindness in providing a fantasy life for her, cannot himself deal with the truth of her depression, but escapes into the  bottle of Hennessy and by burying his face in her breasts, hungry for sex.  When Justine leaves her husband in his state of excitement, she is an abuse victim not just fleeing from stigmatized sex, but also intolerant of her partner's inability to face her truth.

As this pattern repeats in part II, it becomes evident that Justine's depression is not an individualized disease (as our medical model would have it), but rather that she is sapped of life as her key connections stake out their commitments to flee from the truth.  As the collision with the planet Melancholia becomes more inevitable, the other adults flee - one through suicide, and the other into flailing fantasy and despair.  Meanwhile, the character Justine answers a nighttime muse to bathe nude and touch herself in the light of the approaching planet Melancholia, symbolically drinking in the truth about her melancholy, which all the functioning world would deny her.

Robbed of the stability that would have come from healthy boundaries being respected in her upbringing, Justine, like all abuse survivors, at a young age had her world turned upside down.  While she is incapable of functioning in a functioning world, she conversely possesses the unique ability to draw strength from chaos - for in the chaos, there is truth.  As Justine says, "life is evil;"  the functioning world, like her father, would hide its chaotic violence and put on pretenses (such as the wedding) for their own benefit.  Yet, they crumble or flee when the truth eclipses their pretense.  Justine, however, finally has her nourishment: the unmistakeable approach of the destruction she has always known was there.   While her nephew's parents have abandoned him, she relates to him and steps up to show him the way through chaos: with dignity, they prepare, join together, and close their eyes to meditate while their destruction rips through them.   Von Trier explains:

"We are [alone].  But no one wants to realize it. They keep wanting to push limits and fly wherever,” he laughs. “Forget it! Look inward.”

As eloquently as Pema Chodron might put it, Lars von Trier shows that truth cannot be met by our common, cowardly impulses toward escape.  And in facing the truth, the struggles that trauma survivors  have gone through to grapple with their own worldly handicaps will actually serve them well.  Jesus did say, "the last will be first."

Regardless of whether the world ends suddenly with planets colliding, or whether melancholy gradually eclipses us as our trusted sources of stability in life are compromised, Melancholia asks us to consider how we will face truth.  Will we plan, like Claire, to put on Beethoven's 9th, drink good wine, and try to make it "nice"?  Or, like Justine, will we have the courage to meet truth with truth, call those sorts of plans "shit," and prepare in all seriousness as best we are able?

Anyone commenting on or reading about von Trier's film has felt the truth of the film resonating within them.  Are we content to comment on the superficial, plastic elements of the film, or will we try to probe deeper for the source of this truth within us?  Will we allow ourselves to be seduced, like an abuser, into thinking that beauty is all there is to be had - or will we force ourselves to keep asking questions, until the reality of the destruction becomes something we accept?

If you have been abused, you have in your experience an advantage in answering this for yourself.

Reading the Qur'an

I am embarking on a reading of the Qur'an.  I have wanted to since college but put it off, however after attending an evangelical-leaning church for two years, I realized in a car ride today with my more left-leaning friends that I have begun questioning my long-held conviction that the God of the Bible and Allah in the Qu'ran are one in the same.  Having not read the Qur'an, of course, this conviction was based on nothing other than the desire for the world to be a happy place where everyone gets along (as my family wasn't) and did not stand up to the assertion by my zealous Pakistani ex-Muslim friend who claimed that Allah could not be the same God as the God in the Bible because in the Qur'an it says _X_ (which I don't remember).  But anyway, that assertion was enough to erode my so-called conviction, which like most things wasn't something so much I believed but a pleasant compromise position that served my purposes in most the circles in which I traveled.  So, I decided it was time to see for myself.

I will cut to the chase after such a wordy prologue.

What stands out to me about the Qur'an, in starting to read from the beginning, includes:


- The recitation seems to be directed toward the disaffected descendants of Ishmael, but seeking to move readers beyond factionalism to a common reference point in Abraham.  It is not directed toward "Muslims" - as no such people would have existed at the time of the recitation.  Rather, it orients itself as pointing out the common problems with the practice of religion of both Jews and Christians:

They say: ‘Become Jews or Christians and you will be guided aright.’
Say: ‘Rather, the religion of Abraham, of pristine faith. Nor was he a polytheist.’
Say: ‘We believe in God, and in what was revealed to us, In what was revealed to Abraham, to Ishmael, to Isaac and Jacob and the Tribes, In what was revealed to Moses and Jesus, In what was revealed to prophets by their Lord. We make no distinction between any of them, And to Him we surrender.’

Khalidi, Tarif (2009-07-23). The Qur'an: (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition) (Kindle Locations 577-581). Penguin Classic. Kindle Edition. 

As for the believers, for the Jews, the Christians and the Sabeans* who believe in God and the Last Day, and who do righteous deeds - these have their wage with their Lord. No fear shall fall upon them, nor shall they grieve.

Ibid,  447-448.

They say: ‘Only Jews and Christians will enter the Garden.’ Such are their fancies! Say to them: ‘Show me your proof if you speak the truth.’ Yes, indeed. He who surrenders his face to God in all piety shall receive his reward from his Lord. No fear shall fall upon them, nor shall they grieve.

Ibid, 537-539.

This last quote I like particularly because it points to an unsavory aspect present even today in evangelical Christianity, namely that of in-grouping and exclusivity claims by a religious body regarding who may enter heaven.  To this, the text answers (as does the Bible, but Christians seem to miss the possibility that it could apply to them) that it is a turn of the heart - "surrenduring... in all piety" that is more important - than to which doctrine you ascribe.


- The text does not seem to deny Jesus' sonship, as I have often heard attributed to it.  Rather, it seems to acknowledge this claim, and put a different emphasis on it than Christianity evolved to - namely, to by it assert further God's power and sovereignty, which seems to be more of the intention of the text.

They say: ‘God has fathered a child.’ Glory be to Him! To Him, rather, belongs all that is in the heavens and on earth. All mankind obeys Him. Marvellous Creator of the heavens and the earth! When He decrees a matter, He merely says to it: ‘Be!’ and it is. 

Ibid, 545-547 

- In general, the wisdom and correction it issues forth seem on-par if not more direct and biting than anything we will find in the old or new testament regarding the necessity for genuine faith and the description and punishment for hypocrisy.  Take this example, which not only captures the Christian doctrine of predestination but also adds a nuanced understanding of how the evil lie to themselves - an awareness I wish were more present in Christianity:

As for the unbelievers, it is all the same if you warn or do not warn them: they will not believe. God has sealed up their hearts, their hearing and their vision with a shroud, and terrible punishment awaits them. Among people, there are those who say: ‘We believe in God and in the Last Day.’ But they are not true believers. They try to deceive God and the believers but, unknown to them, deceive only themselves. Sickness abides in their hearts and God increases their malady. A painful punishment awaits them for the lies they uttered. And if someone says to them: ‘Do not sow discord in the earth,’ they answer: ‘We are merely trying to bring people together.’ In truth, they are sowers of discord, but they know it not.

Ibid, 368-374. 

- Lastly,  contrary to most popular belief - among fundamentalist Muslims and Christians alike - the text does not seem to prescribe violence.  Although it is easy to see how for the simple-minded, this would be extrapolated:

O believers, retaliation for the slain is ordained upon you: A free man for a free man, a slave for a slave, a female for a female. But if a brother is forgiven by another regarding what is ordained, then gracious pardon must be offered, and seemly deliverance of payment made. This is an act of leniency from your Lord and a mercy. Whoever commits aggression thereafter, painful torment awaits him. The prospect of retaliation saves lives, O you who are possessed of minds - perhaps you will fear God. 

Ibid, 650-654.

What I read in this is not an order toward violence, but rather a demand for accountability: transgressors must be made to know their sin, otherwise, how will they learn?  However, as a caveat to this, forgiveness reigns as an even stronger law.  Not forgiveness that we come up with on our own, but forgiveness that we are bound to BECAUSE another has forgiven us (cf Luke 7:47).   Violence - as aggression - is strictly forbidden.  It emerges that the threat of retaliation - rather than the retaliation itself - is the important element, in teaching us to fear God.  This is an even more humane expression of the ever-popular "spare the rod, spoil the child" in Christianity (Proverbs 13:24).



If what I take from this brief introductory reading of the Qur'an holds true, I would say that reading the Qur'an is of utmost importance - not as a way of "understanding our enemies," as I am afraid it would often be taken, but as an additional word from God for any who consider themselves pious.  The proscription of hypocrisy is even more crisp and upfront, and it seems directed toward dividing those who please God by their faith from those who posture with their religiosity - a theme taken up strongly first by Jesus in his evisceration of the Pharisees, and in Matthew 6:1-8.

I may come across more in the reading that challenges this hypothesis, but in the recitation issued through Mohammed I see a continuing accusation and warning against hypocrisy - issued by the One and Only God - leveled at Christians and Jews, but directed specifically at an audience who may have culturally been ostracized by both these groups, as descendants of the banished Ishmael, born to Hagar when Abraham showed his human weakness and doubted God's promise.  These people deserve salvation too, and it would not be like my God to allow the descendants of Ishmael to suffer vile treatment - by Jews and Christians alike who were not living up to what He had taught them about brotherhood - without stepping in and saying something for their benefit.

I do not agree that what I have read so far was meant by God to spur a new, separate religion called "Islam," but then again I also do not believe necessarily that God wanted "Christianity" to emerge to contend with Judaism.  Rather, I believe each action by our God is part of his ongoing effort to reach out to us, point out to us where we are off and our souls are in danger because of it, and invite us back into right relationship with his loving compassion and mercy.

the 3rd level of sin: Devil's stronghold

Level 1 sin: actions

The first level includes the actions that can be named or we know we should watch out for. such as:

Gossip,
Sex not protected by marriage
Overeating or indulging
Other desires of the flesh
Laziness
Materialistic choices
The other 'deadly sins'
Breaking the commandments

Pro: these are guideposts to how we are doing by God; if we think we are doing right but violating these, it is easier to detect self deception.

Con: keeping to these only makes us legalistic, and if that is as deep as our obedience goes, we are not even pleasing God. Probably making him angry.

Level 2 sins: attitudes and emotions.

I credit this distinction to pastor Derek. Last night he pointed out that if we go about doing the right thing (level 1) but are not right in our hearts, it pretty much doesnt count.

Evidence of level 2 sin would be:

Bitterness
Resistance
Begrudging another
Feeling one thing and saying another
Having a hard heart
Humoring people
Judging

Pro: checking ourselves on level 2 sins can help us find our way to true humility, obedience, and surrender before God and experiencing life with Christ.

Con: if you take seriously Christ's words about changing your heart, and try become right yourself through a manipulation of your inner attitudes and postures, you will likely become ingenuine, forcing your sin even deeper underground. Then you are in the business of lying not only to others, but to yourself. In this state, no relationship with God is possible.

It is probably best if we find ourselves in this position to instead pray to the Holy Spirit to guide and change us. Then get ready for the often long, sometimes painful, daily work of having our level 3 sins rooted out.

Level 3 sin: beliefs, preconceptions, 'lenses'

Level 3 sin is the hardest to root out. This is because it colors everything we see - including our self-perception of sin.

Usually level 3 sin came to us from outside forces before we were old enough to have responsibility in the matter: from our culture, from parents who were abusive, narcissistic, or indulgent. They also to sime degree are the result of human nature, unchecked or exacerbated by bad parenting. These influences color the way we see ourselves and our world, such as:

I am special, set apart
When I am unhappy I deserve a treat.
I deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I should be able to get what I want out of my relationships.
I need to be taken care of.

I shouldn't have to work this hard

I am worthless or hopeless.

My life is crap.
Others people's needs are more important than mine.
Our way is the best.
My family/country is special.
If we/I have problems, they are not as serious as other people's.
The problems in the world are mostly due to people unlike me.

Level three sins are rarely discovered without rigorous self-examination. That is because we do not care enough about each other to look closely and risk pointing them out. It is far easier to hide: 'live and let live.' One of the devil's favorite slogans.

Yet we need committed, intimate relationships to show us where to look for level three sins, with committed partners willing to hold the truth to our face for us consistently and not leave, for years, until we feel it is safe enough to come out of hiding and let our worst be seen. This is the meaning of confession of sins: a command most churches dont practice because we dont want to face what is hardest in ourselves and others. The relationship that facilitates healing of level three sin is not what we imagine with a 'soul mate,' however, or with a friend or family member. Rather it is with that rare individual completely committed to eradicating all three levels of sin in herself, as a daily, lifelong practice. Short of joining a monastery, you might find an individual like this once a decade.They tend to show up only once you've hit rock bottom and have no other path left but to look for the level 3 sin that has derailed you most your life

People whose level 3 sin comes mostly from the culture will tend never to look for it. This is because the sin is so widely accepted. It is like the air we breathe. Old testament prophets like Amos and Habbakuk spoke God's condemnation on cultures whose level three sin blinded them even from the level 1 sins they were committing. You can do everything right by your church and your neighbors and still be living in sin; as Pastor Derek says: most Christians are not going to Heaven. But we can pray as David did in the psalms: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." (139:23) The holy spirit can correct what man will not.

People whose level 3 sin comes from aberrant family conditioning are more likely to be pointed toward looking for it; their life struggles will set them apart from culture, and make it hard for them to function normally. They are more likely to hit rock bottom. These will tend to be those God has created for special tasks, for the devil laid the trap early for them. These face a double-bind in that they may struggle against their personal level 3 sin in damaged self-concepts to chase what is 'normal,' never breaking through to seeing that the picture of normal itself is built to accomodate everyone else's level 3 sin. Thus the devil has fooled them into chasing sin all their lives, and may never discover God's purpose for us.

Few ever get to looking for their level 3 sin in their lifetimes. It does no good to diagnose it in general or be able to name it from the outside. We must learn to see it for ourselves, in the moment of it's operation, in the ways it colors our choices, our assumptions, the mean things we "didn't mean to do." We must re-see ourselves as bearers of this sin at every moment, learn it's flavor and character and shape and watch it in action. Only then can we capture the devil inside us and offer him back to God.

Christmas: Presence, not presents

I awake Christmas Eve morning agitated, anxious, jittery. The holiday weekend has begun; I have family and friends to look forward to, yet I am nervous out of habit. I feel punch-drunk from the brutal exchange of expectations from Christmases past, and trod dutifully back for another beating.

My pen and journal have helped calm my restless legs each morning this week, and again I reach for them to dig beneath the current of my racing thoughts. How did I come to be so would up around Christmas each year? What messages did I ingest to make the advent of the Prince of Peace so profoundly disquieting?

I remember the ramp-up: pressure around the tree and decorations; Christmas music required on-hand to ritually trigger desired memories and affect. And then there was Christmas morning, when we finally plumb the depths under the tree, desperate for the proper blend of presents and responses to our gifts so to pique our high; only to settle, spent, afterwards into an empty ennui of wondering what gift or experience we must have missed. The whole thing invested with so much performance that we might as well be seducing santa into our beds for a one-night stand.

What is it we are looking for under the tree? Didn't our parents promise us, in December especially but also throughout the year, that if we simply behaved, Santa would take note and reward us Christmas morning? And why would they need to promise this, except that their parenting skills fell short of making an imperfect world palatable to us and, instead of accepting this human flaw and sitting with us to show one can accept such pain in the moment, they displace it to a yearly reckoning wherein a bearded intruder settles the account with gifts.

The dynamics diverge for each family, from orgiastic cheer to unwrapped cartons of cigarettes; from semblances of the family unit, to parents fractured in relationship and psychology alike. There are always variations on a theme. But, almost uniformly, we trace our parents' footsteps in an annual pilgrimage back to the tree, to exchange gifts and hope it somehow fills the void. What we are looking for, boxed up under ornaments and lights, is the love our parents were unable to give.

When we obsess over choosing the perfect gift for our loved ones - with cost and thoughtfulness matched to what they mean to us - we are trying to assuage our guilt for what we have yet again failed to offer, in time or patience or care throughout the year. Contrast this to the gift God gave to us on the same holiday: nothing but his naked, vulnerable, dependent self.

The baby in the manger came with no frills, inside jokes, or utilitarian purpose. He came simply to be with us. He offered himself in purest form, with no adornments. How often do we think ourselves alone inadequate, our presence insufficient if we fall short in the number or value of gifts we put forth? Though we see in the wise men's frankincense and myrrh that a gift of simple presence may inspire an appreciative response that has material aspects, these cannot substitute for the real thing. Both the bible and our own hearts remind of us this, every Christmas morning.

The revolutionary statement Christ made in his first simple moments on Earth applies not just to Christmas, but all year round; at every moment we can stop and be with each other, with our children, remembering that Emmanuel means God With Us. Every day we are threatened with openings to intimacy, with the possibility of eye contact, of showing something true on our face. But not often enough do we accept God's first gift to us - the gift of coming alongside us, being ready for us without an agenda, of affirming we are enough, just as we are. This is the gift that can settle us down. That can end the ache of unrequited love that is chased throughout generations. This is the gift we have been looking for from our parents all along.

Each Christmas, we gather in the dead of winter, starved of presence, craving presents. This Christmas, let us follow God, and simply give ourselves.


Merry Christmas everybody. Please be introduced to this wonderful and a propos track from my friends at Church of the Beloved:

"our gift is not what we can do but who we are."
http://belovedschurch.org/hope/given.php

Notes on Atonement

atonement theory seeks the answer to 'why did Jesus have to die upon the cross?'

Excerpt:

In Mark 10:45 Jesus said, "the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (cp. Matt. 20:28, NIV). This is a powerful statement. Jesus redeemed his followers from sin. The price of this redemption, however, was his own life (1 Tim. 2:6; 1 Pet. 1:18,19), the supreme expression of his love for us (cf. John 15:13).
That Jesus described his death as a ransom payment is clear. But to whom was the ransom paid? Jesus never said. In fact, to pose the question is to stretch the metaphor out of shape. Yet the question was posed nonetheless.

Satisfaction/Penal Substitution
The Ransom theory dominated the theological landscape for a millennium until it was finally debunked by Anselm of Canterbury (ca. 1033-1109). Anselm rightly pointed out that this theory gave the devil far too much power. Hence Anselm gave a different answer: Jesus' life was paid as a ransom not to the devil, but to God.

Anselm, who lived in a feudal society, saw sin as dishonor to God. God's nature is such that He cannot overlook dishonor; thus a satisfaction is needed. Since sinful humankind is unable to make sufficient satisfaction, God became human to do it on humanity's behalf. Jesus is then a payment not to Satan but to God.

Pasted from http://www.auburn.edu/~allenkc/openhse/atonement.html


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CAN WE THINK OF IT PARALLEL TO JESUS ANSWERING THAT THE MAN BORN BLIND FROM BIRTH WAS NOT BECAUSE OF ANYONE'S SINS, BUT SO THAT MORE WOULD BELIEVE IN HIM?..
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...
Bob: Okay, Jane, you owe me ten dollars. Pay up.
Jane: Oh, but I don't have the money. Do I really have to pay you back?
Bob: I'm sorry, Jane, but I can't forgive your debt. Somebody has got to pay.
Ted: Hey guys! What's up?
Bob: Well, Ted, if you must know, I'm trying to collect the ten dollars that Jane owes me, but she can't pay it.
Ted: Hmm. Let's see here. Hey, I do have ten dollars on me. Here, Bob, you can let Jane off the hook.
Bob: Jane, your debt is paid. You can go now. You don't owe me anything.

Now in the illustration, did Bob forgive the debt, or was he paid? In fact, Bob was paid off. There was no grace, no mercy, no forgiveness of the debt.

Similarly, if Jesus' death were a literal payment to God for all our sins, then God cannot truly be said to forgive sin.

This observation points out the difficulty of "go[ing] beyond what is written" (1 Cor. 4:6, NIV). Posing the question, "to whom was the ransom paid?" takes us beyond the purview of the Scriptures. The "ransom" was not literally paid to anyone. It is a metaphor used to describe the significance and dramatic effect of Jesus' death.

Above Pasted from http://www.auburn.edu/~allenkc/openhse/atonement.html

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in my experience, the power of the cross is not in the concept of my sins being forgiven by it. it is in the fact that jesus would be willing to get up there, both for obedience and for love of me. that somehow if he didn't, then the scriptures would not be fulfilled and his job would not be done… the cosmic effect of what is opened to us in the door to everlasting life - available both now and after we die, through belief in (=relationship with) jesus.

something actually changed cosmically by jesus getting up there. i think it has to do with him drinking the sour wine after telling us to do so as a rememberance of him… it made possible forever after god being able to relate to us (the experience of suffering to death on the cross? - did it make possible a perspective by god, something limited which because of god's omniscience, he could not access outside of human form… his experience of the power of temptation, his expereince of wanting to disobey when he felt how hard it was to walk toward death… i really believe god learned something through this.

the concept of a learning god may seem heretical given an omniscient god, but actually god cannot know everything - because of human free will. he does not know what we will do - this explains his frustration and wrath. god is omniscient in what can be known - but the story of the bible is ultimately the story of god learning how to do relationship with humans, in a way that continues to respect our autonomy as separate persons. coming to walk the earth as jesus then was a 'take a walk in my shoes' journey for god, who would then forever after understand our struggle, temptation, and pain - and truly be able to forgive freely, from a place of empathic compassion.

This is my answer to why Jesus had to die on the cross. i don't think it needs to have anything to do with atonement.

(afterthought ...it strikes me how much our confusion is answered by jesus' teaching to his disciples. he criticizes the disciples for arguing who is greatest (cf conservatives/liberals arguing); and he calls them out for not realizing and being with him when he is there (cf. Christianity and Real Relationship post)

context and consciousness

.

Much has been made of context in literary theory and academia over the last 30 years. Starting within cultural anthropology, anthropologists found that undecipherable behaviors in foreign cultures could often be understood by discovering the context within which the foreign actors understood their own actions. The concept has found its way through liberal academia and religious studies to bear traces of influence within more conservative religious circles, where "author intent," often inferred from cultural context, helps illuminate the words of Jesus and the epistle writers.

In none of these arenas, however, has the flexibility, variability, and significance of mental context been explored that fully, it seems, in terms of consciousness and our power of choice about how each human being chooses contexts which bear on his or her interpretations, decisions, and understanding.

1.0 while aspects of real context are given and fixed at a given time (ie where I live, how much money I have, what my friends and family thought or did growing up, what are the social topics and economic conditions of today), our mental context is chosen and very much within our ability to influence.

1.0.1 for example, the friends I have are an aspect of my real context, based both on factors outside my control (the pool of available friends) and factors in my control (how much effort I have put into pursuing friendships)

1.0.2 the presence of friends in my life has no bearing on whether I live my life in the mental context of "what other people think."

1.1 I may or may not be in a romantic relationship, but whether I am has little necessarily to do with whether I live my life in the context of a relationship.

1.1.1 for example, a person may have committed to a relationship, yet to refuse to consider that person when choosing who to associate with, look at, or how to spend his or her time.

1.1.2 at the same time, although I may not be in a relationship, my mind may waver between accepting the context of singlehood, or fantasizing about being in a relationship with a certain person. In the latter case, that person becomes part of the mental context in which I live my life - although I may have no actual contact with her.

1.1.3 the decision to marry, and "forsake all others," is a commitment to make your spouse not just a part of your physical context, but also your mental context - in which you will make all future decisions.

1.2 the degree to which I live in reality can be measured by how much my mental context incorporates my real context; ie people I interact with regularly, the circumstances limiting my life, the emotional burdens I experience, the ongoing challenges of dealing with my family, for example, etc.

1.2.1 to the degree that my mental context excludes aspects of my real context, I live in fantasy. It is possible, with certain entrenched mental contexts, to live in fantasy and avoid reality for an entire lifetime.

1.2.2 relationships based on reality must deal with the real context of what the other person brings and expresses, rather than mental contexts of fantasy about what I hope the other person to become, or what I imagine for the future.

2.0 spirituality always deals in context. In other words, it asks us to live our lives within the primary mental context of God. (or a set of spiritual laws, or an energy force, etc)

2.0.1 religions offer their mental contexts as superior alternatives to other mental contexts we can choose. Ie, Put on the new creation, Choose the way of Christ over the ways of the world, Live with fear of God.

2.0.2 religions - as they deal with what is not seen or tangible - often propose a hierarchy in which their mental contexts re-contextualize, rather than replace, other mental contexts. ie, you don't have to stop using money, having certain people in your life, or being a sexual creature -- but your decisions made and valuation within other mental contexts must now be made within the overarching mental context of God.

2.0.3 religions can be fantasy-based, to the degree that they ask us to abandon certain mental contexts, rather than simply subordinating them within the overarching mental context of God. Such requests reveal a lack of faith on the part of the 'believer,' and in the more extreme form of demands or rules, signify a cult.

2.1 Christianity's proposal within religions is that we shift our mental context from a set of laws or principles (even those which we may attribute to God) to living our lives in the context of an actual relationship with God.

2.1.1 prayer is an act of reconnecting to the mental context of relationship with God.

2.1.2 "praying without ceasing" can be understood as walking constantly within the mental context of relationship with God.

2.1.3 "making every thought captive to Christ" can be understood as recontextualizing every thought that arises within the context of relationship with Christ.

2.1.4 sola scriptura, as I understand it, seeks to emphasize the primacy of the context of God by enforcing the bible as the only mental context within which our decisions and perspective can be formed.

2.1.4.1 to the degree that it denies that God may pursue real relationship with us outside the context of the bible, sola scriptura is heretical.

2.2 meditation can be approached as a prolonged examination of one's shifting mental contexts.

3.0 addictions can be characterized in part by an inability to allow certain aspects of one's real context to enter his or her mental context

3.0.1 the substance, person, or habit that is the object of the addiction serves as the object on which to center one's mental context, so as to avoid other, undesired mental contexts

3.1 Trauma, abuse, or chaos experienced early in life can effect a domination of one's mental context, to the extent that one's ability to shift mental contexts may become impaired

3.1.1 The predictable character of this impairment is an inability to incorporate oneself into one's mental context.

3.1.1.1 Inability to take care of oneself or take responsibility for one's life as an adult are two results of the inability to incorporate oneself into one's mental context

3.1.1.2 Preoccupation with what others think and constant comparison to others are two workarounds people will use to ascertain their worth, when they cannot incorporate themselves into their own mental contexts (see 1.0.2)

3.1.2 The inability to incorporate oneself - by definition an aspect of real context - into one's mental context, must result in living in fantasy

3.1.2.1 It is also likely to result in addictive tendencies

3.1.3 Practice at incorporating the real contexts of one's life into our mental contexts is required to heal and grow past the effects of trauma, abuse, or chaos experienced early in life, and can be used to address addiction issues as well.

4.0 Mental contexts necessarily affect our energy.

4.0.1 What appears in our mental context can receive energy; what is outside of our mental context can receive no energy.

4.0.1.1 for example, Jesus' reminder 'Where your treasure is, there also your heart will be,' can be understood in terms of mental contexts. How we orient ourselves and what we answer to when making decisions gives our energy to those things, and reflects which mental contexts we give priority. Paying close attention to the mental contexts we adopt can reveal what we consider our treasure.

4.1.1 centering a mental context around a certain person orients our energy toward them and affects a connection, even without direct communication (see 1.1.2)

4.1.2 'praying without ceasing,' through affirming God as a stable part of our mental context, affects an energy connection facilitating the Holy Spirit to work in our lives - both miraculously, and as a guide present in our decision making within other, subordinate mental contexts. (see 2.1.2)

4.1.2.1 the kind of faith which can "move mountains" signifies a profound shift in mental context, beyond allowing God to bear on our pre-existing mental contexts, to the putting on of a God-centered mental context for which we have zero evidence or referents.

4.1.3 in the case of addictive tendencies, where we have an inability to incorporate certain aspects of our real context into our mental contexts, sending energy to these avoided mental contexts is not within our simple willpower. Our energy becomes bound within certain mental contexts we have evolved to avoid the unpleasant real contexts we are avoiding (see 3.0.1)

4.1.4 Mind-body practices, such as yoga, tai-chi, intense exercise, etc, temporarily center our mental context around the body, sapping energy from other mental contexts.

4.1.4.1 This can affect a sort of "reset," thus allowing the possibility of giving energy to alternative mental contexts.

4.1.4.2 Thus exercise - when done with consciousness of the body - can be an important tool in the process of overcoming addiction, obsession, and other chronic unhealthy mental context issues.

..more maybe to come..

.

Can husbands command wives?

I mean does God say, I command you woman, I command you man... And what sorts of things does God command in that way, just scripturally evident commands (general ones) or specific things too (like do laundry). I mean there are ways God can speak to us all the time and guide our steps to do God's will, which I believe we often can perceive and which if we listen and do them our lives are enhanced with God...

But the foundation for these commands is the granting of free will and so every command in effect is a request. So if God requests we obey but understands it is our free choice to or not, then it seems to me that husbands are out of line expecting a relational command to be anything different than how God asks and expects of us.

Letter to Bishop: what leads me to respond

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God,

thou wilt not despise.

Ps 51:17

2 - what leads me to respond

I laid in an empty room of a recently-rented apartment, forty miles from any friends or family.

Instead of furniture, there was the sound of frogs croaking in the backyard pool. My body pulsed with over-exertion from the walk upstairs. I laughed. Even if I had wanted to continue working the breakneck pace of the past three years, my body wouldn't allow it.

Instead of blessings, I counted the wonderful elegance with which things had been taken away from me: Six weeks before, my car and belongings were stolen. The day following, our approaching wedding canceled by my fiancee. Meanwhile, the progressive deterioration of my health that had started nine months earlier. The tapering of calls from concerned friends and family removed any obligation toward them. The utter comprehensiveness of loss felt strangely beautiful. I felt my body pulse and buzz, and peaceably readied myself for death.

Hmm, God reminded me. Hmm, there was one thing that hadn't been taken away, but had been strangely supported where things might easily have failed: the letter for scholarship money covering my expenses; the lucky securing of the last available campus apartment in my price range. God was opening one door, only one, while all others quietly shut on rooms full of death. I saw a singular beacon of light beaming through the decay.

"All things come of thee, o Lord." And when only one thing is given, there is little question remaining about what God has created for us. From this stark and unforgettable experience in mid-June of 2005, my priorities were clearly laid out for me. All things involved in bringing and sustaining me at Harvard, and which God had waiting for me there, were the focus of my life. Everything else could be left for dead.

In that beacon of light, God built for me a bridge past a life that otherwise had ended. On the other side of that bridge, now, I am His alone, and every action or decision gets weighed in consideration of the work He has shown as laid out for me. Some involves long-range goals and academic projects; other work involves daily devotionals of ministering to individuals for whom God has found me. As surely as I can tell, one of those acts is unashamedly declaring myself a servant through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit of the One True God. With or without ordination, when I remember this, my energy is restored to keep on living. If ever I become sidetracked, death begins to set in again.

My early struggles as an acolyte against hesitant sermons or stultified congregations first awakened my passion for work within the church. This led to crises at each major life-path decision that did not honor what felt like the call to Seminary. After college, responses to a desperate letter to all the pastors who had mentored me through my life assured me that when the call was true, I would be able to answer it without anxiety. Meanwhile, I pragmatically challenged the idea that a young man, practically untouched by tragedy or the complexity of adult life and relationships, could have anything to offer a congregation. Secretly, privately, I welcomed such growth experiences into my life.

The crash of two jet airplanes into the World Trade Center while I slept in New York preceded by two months the discovery in my blood of a fatal and unknown disease. In three months, doctors finally confirmed that the source of my profound debilitation, my 14-hour nights of sleep, and my layoff and relocation back to Seattle was a rare bone marrow disorder known as Aplastic Anemia. For the next three years, I found dependence on my family, practices of yoga and Eastern healing, and a long conversation with God about what I was doing wrong, or how much I should even take responsibility for my illness and its healing.

Ironically � some would say � stories from the Bible became more accessible to me from my yoga practices than through Church itself. Through experiencing and learning to live within the laws of energy, I found principles quoted by Jesus and experiences of the Apostles in Acts to be for the first time understandable. Over a period of months, every sermon and reading delivered at Bethany Community Church in Greenlake recapitulated a lesson I had experienced in the yoga studio, just the week before. I began to accept that the One True God was working in all the world, and was recognizable by faithful people through many vocabularies.

The quality of worship exploded tremendously for me while practicing yoga! At pastors' prompting, I knew now how to let go of my doubt and resistance, and trustfully welcome the Spirit in through my brain, my heart, my complete body as an opening to faith and renewal. Suddenly, there was no need to question or wait for the proof from God about how to know or believe in Him truly. I knew plainly from those feelings of grace, deep cleansing, assurance, and inspiration that I encountered at every service! What before had been a vague affinity for church buildings, community, and attendance now showed herself to be the Holy Spirit, who had been working through my numbed body and brain all along!

With thankfulness, I had no doubt any longer about taking up the gauntlet to investigate a call to ministry. What remained unsolved were only minor questions about the church or denomination to facilitate the inquest. With fond amazement at the workings of God, I found that God had actually placed me in the right church over 16 years earlier; that my mother's best friend, who had lovingly saved me from a near-crisis by taking me into her home, had recently been ordained as a Priest in the Episcopal Church, and that one of the newest Episcopal congregations in Seattle turned out to be the first church I have ever felt was a home to me. It is no exaggeration to say that the church home at COTA feels as much like a family as the two beautiful families who raised me and nursed me through my sickness.

To answer more briefly: I can never say to know for sure the scope of God's plans or vision through the actions He takes in the world and our personal lives. Yet I answer my congregation's call to ministry because, to the best of my ability to discern, God has plans for me in this role, and has seemed to be preparing me for it quite intensively over the past seven years. I accept it happily because it may be the only thing for which He keeps me alive.

I answer the call to ministry in sober acknowledgment of the challenges facing the church today. Echoes of political struggles destabilize our polity, and a new generation addicted to stimulus, proof, and mistrust finds less of value among church offerings. Firsthand work managing yoga studios has shown me what people will pay for tangible improvements to their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Consistent with my experience, my God-given vision involves creating safe and sane ways to incorporate body-mind practices into liturgies, so we may better minister to societies for whom the disconnection of their souls from God is intimately related to sedentary lifestyles, distraction, and a disconnection between their minds and their bodies; and between the lives they deeply long to create in harmony with the Spirit and what they successfully realize.

Sincerely,

Andrew Varyu

5 Jan. 2006

Prepared for Bishop of the Episcopalian Diocese of Olympia

Statement from Aspirant to Postulancy Andrew R Varyu

Submitted Epiphany, 2006

A Better Bride...

re: A Better Bride

Thanks Andy,
ever since yesterday I am getting cetain kind of giggle at the thought
of loving God in that way,
like a challenge is being presented. Get's the fire going ya know.
and of course you can use my letter.

I must admit I feel the sense of divine femanine and am humbled and
opened to new feelings and opportunities. But still, I retreat back to
thinking of God as the mean parent, and me trying to be all I can be
for that image and also more so rebelling against it.
As I was reading that I kept thinking what courage it was taking to
love God this way, actually there are parts of me saying "you can't
love God that way, it's wrong!"

But there is a more tender part that is also longs to have that
relationship, actually tears are coming up and that presence of knowing
is coming up as I write this, how could a person offer this and yet I'm
so convinced that that is where I will find it, maybe I need to aproach
Jesus as a soon to be lover. Once again courage comes to mind....




A Better Bride

I am getting married tomorrow.

The suits are bought. Date is set. One year ago I started paying off the ring. Each payment, each month, I have readied myself deeper to be merged, to shed the solitary freedom into which I was born, and to let my life join with another. I have readied myself, and my soul has expanded to encompass a broader two.

Three weeks ago, my fiancée called it off.

But still, I am getting married tomorrow.

I have found a New Bride.

See, I was ready to be married. My soul had expanded, and was ready to be stretched further by the negotiations of partnership. Upon the cancellation, my heart plummeted, threatening to pull the fabric of space-time back to a collapsed grimace of torture and self-agony. The void was built of absence, within my ready-to grow soul. Rather than return, I decided to fill that void.

I found a New Bride.

In the next two weeks, I had two propositions. Both, from outsiders, urgently needing citizenship. One has a child. One is a loner. Both, the substance of fantasy: two of the most stunning, fabulously sexy women I have ever seen. One Japanese-Hawaiian. The other, a Romanian who looks and sounds Italian and is called Argentina.

So which did I choose?

Neither:

I found myself a Better Bride

Tomorrow I am going to Church. I will walk in, silently. The room will quiet; I will ready myself. And after the processional, my Bride will enter. Down the aisle. Step by step. I have been preparing, for a long time. She will take Her place next to me. We will begin Our vows.

Tomorrow, I marry God.

* * *

When I text message God, I don’t have to wait for Her to get back to me.

Or worry that my message is obsequious, intrusive. Her response is instantaneous, and She’s always glad to hear from me.

I am not alone driving home anymore. My New Bride is with me. The moment I drift lost in my own little world, I look over and there She is, hand on my arm. Reassuring, knowing. That when we get home, we are going to make mad, passionate love.

The thrill of marriage is in the sharing. Someone who will excite at the discoveries I made, the wonders I find. I celebrate Scrubbing Bubbles^(TM), and any new products or methods that make cleaning the bathroom that much quicker and easier, and more likely to get done. I think my partner at the time had a hard time sharing my excitement. But my Bride is right there, knowing just how cool it is.

If She tells me to slow down, take a rest, She doesn’t do this from a judging distance. She has sidled next to me, and I rest my head.

God can feel the depth of the music I found, tune into the layers of syncopation, mastering, genius of my new CD. The value is not lost on Her. She’s right there with me.

God has Her own shit going on, a life outside our marriage. And she’s dedicated, involved. She gets her shit done in a day. But she’s got it under control. She fixes it to be home when I pull in, if she wasn’t already working with me. She helps me take a load off, then we share about our day.

She’s confident, but realistic, about how things went. And some days, it wasn’t the greatest. But I believe in what She’s doing. And when She’s preoccupied with the pain and suffering that slipped into the world that day, we cry together on the kitchen floor.

She doesn’t do the laundry for me. But better, She does it with me. She helps me see the joy of sharing every step of the path.

And She knows how I like to be touched. With warmth, confidence. She could pleasure me – and Sometimes she does. But in Her touch there is love, which warms through my flesh and heals my soul. Every night from now on, we will share deep, warm, luscious kisses.

Someday, to keep me fresh and alive, She will invite another woman to share our bed. She’s not a jealous Lover, so long as I’m keeping Her first. So she will find a beautiful, amazing lover to come and soak up some of the Love We share, and together we will have an incredible threesome.

There is no predicting what life will be like. What fates will draw us, and where. But I am enraptured, enthralled, and I will follow Her anywhere. This is a soul-connection, felt from before time. We will never die. For every death helps me shed and merge closer to Her. Every shredding of body, or rending of soul. The more I bleed, the more openings there are for Her to cover, wash. I fear not death, when I will patiently, finally dissolve. Her cup, with me, runneth over.

Our minds are black holes

Our minds are black holes.

not figuratively, literally.

A black hole is a center of mass so dense that energy nearby is drawn in and cannot escape.

The mind is a center of stagnant, thinking energy so dense that it draws the energy of the body into it. Once trapped in the overactive mind, the energy cannot release back into the body. This results in all sorts of problems of the mind – insomnia, headaches, anxiety – and of the body – chronic fatigue, tension, and illnesses that set in due to energy-starvation.

Theories hold that energy passing into a black hole may actually leave our universe and cross into an alternative dimension of reality.

To understand how our minds also serve this function, we must know that energy follows our thoughts. If we worry about outside things too much, our energy goes there leaving our bodies tired. If you think about your palms and hold them two inches apart, you will feel the heat and magnetism of the energy field that is created there.

Every time we think about the future, it sends energy toward the creation of that future. IF we can summon the energy to act and create that future, then it is fine. Our energy goes back into the world.

However, because our energy is trapped in our minds, our bodies are too lazy and tired to create the futures we think about. Then our future-thinking becomes idle speculation, and we spend our energy worrying or dreaming about futures that will never materialize in this world. Our thinking promotes alternative realities from that which we will experience in our universe. Another dimension is created, truly, but one that will never be accessed by our material existence.

In this way, energy leaves our universe. Collectively, as our minds race out of control, energy is sucked from this universe and poured into dreams and nightmares. Leaving our universe increasingly weak and depleted.

Reversing this trend requires that we intentionally direct our light back into the world. Loving others and bringing our dreams into reality are the only ways to do this.

First, however, we must overcome the gravity of the black holes in our heads. We must draw our energy back into our body. The body must have a greater gravity than the mind. That is why physical exercise is necessary for the spiritual salvation of the world.

In a given moment, we must exert our bodies with more energy than goes into our thinking. Eventually, moderate exercise will accomplish this when our energy stabilizes. First, however, our training must regularly involve pushing our bodies to the point of failure. Expect this period to last about two years.

Ego flow

Ego is a construct; it is related to our energy level.

If our energy is below a certain level, the ego is very real;

If our energy is above a certain level, the egoic sense of distinct self melts away.

Energy level is related to action. This is because energy does not exist in stasis. Energy must flow. If energy slows down enough, it becomes matter; E=mc^2. Whether we are more energy or more matter depends on how much we flow, move. The ego is a function of how much we live as a matter-self, rather than an energy-self.

Energy flows, not just in us, but between us. As energy-selves, we are not distinct from one another. As energy-self, I am most effective when I recognize it is not I who affect others, but the energy that flows through me. I do not work; work is done through me.

The spiritual ambition of self-less existence can only be achieved above the energy level of the ego. To reach that energy level, we must be like energy; we must flow; move. Spiritual awakening can not be realized if we sit still. We must move, effect, live out our awakening by flowing energy to others. In the course of flowing, we awaken more.

Can this principle be found in Christianity? Yes. The old testament prophets all took bold actions and risks to receive and deliver the prophecy. God is said to have "called them" to actions they did not want to take. Without acting in response, God's word would have gone undelivered and ceased to flow through them.

Yet Jesus spoke of love, not action. Why does one of the chief frustrations of sincere Christians seem to be the lack of guidance on which actions one should take? Love itself can be taken as some passive attitude indulged in from the privacy of one's mind, with no action attached. However, though we might mistake love this way, there is no evidence of Jesus loving without action. He healed, touched, visited, traveled, shared, anointed, intervened. Jesus was always moving in the course of loving. Only nailed to the cross was he cut off from God.

Let us not mistakenly awaken only to renounce the world. Awakening calls us to engage the world even more than before, into the places that scare us and threaten us. And if we seek an awakening, we must act to find it. When our flow overcomes obstacles, then our energy overcomes matter, then our love overcomes our fear and the death of the ego.