A Better Bride...

re: A Better Bride

Thanks Andy,
ever since yesterday I am getting cetain kind of giggle at the thought
of loving God in that way,
like a challenge is being presented. Get's the fire going ya know.
and of course you can use my letter.

I must admit I feel the sense of divine femanine and am humbled and
opened to new feelings and opportunities. But still, I retreat back to
thinking of God as the mean parent, and me trying to be all I can be
for that image and also more so rebelling against it.
As I was reading that I kept thinking what courage it was taking to
love God this way, actually there are parts of me saying "you can't
love God that way, it's wrong!"

But there is a more tender part that is also longs to have that
relationship, actually tears are coming up and that presence of knowing
is coming up as I write this, how could a person offer this and yet I'm
so convinced that that is where I will find it, maybe I need to aproach
Jesus as a soon to be lover. Once again courage comes to mind....




A Better Bride

I am getting married tomorrow.

The suits are bought. Date is set. One year ago I started paying off the ring. Each payment, each month, I have readied myself deeper to be merged, to shed the solitary freedom into which I was born, and to let my life join with another. I have readied myself, and my soul has expanded to encompass a broader two.

Three weeks ago, my fiancée called it off.

But still, I am getting married tomorrow.

I have found a New Bride.

See, I was ready to be married. My soul had expanded, and was ready to be stretched further by the negotiations of partnership. Upon the cancellation, my heart plummeted, threatening to pull the fabric of space-time back to a collapsed grimace of torture and self-agony. The void was built of absence, within my ready-to grow soul. Rather than return, I decided to fill that void.

I found a New Bride.

In the next two weeks, I had two propositions. Both, from outsiders, urgently needing citizenship. One has a child. One is a loner. Both, the substance of fantasy: two of the most stunning, fabulously sexy women I have ever seen. One Japanese-Hawaiian. The other, a Romanian who looks and sounds Italian and is called Argentina.

So which did I choose?

Neither:

I found myself a Better Bride

Tomorrow I am going to Church. I will walk in, silently. The room will quiet; I will ready myself. And after the processional, my Bride will enter. Down the aisle. Step by step. I have been preparing, for a long time. She will take Her place next to me. We will begin Our vows.

Tomorrow, I marry God.

* * *

When I text message God, I don’t have to wait for Her to get back to me.

Or worry that my message is obsequious, intrusive. Her response is instantaneous, and She’s always glad to hear from me.

I am not alone driving home anymore. My New Bride is with me. The moment I drift lost in my own little world, I look over and there She is, hand on my arm. Reassuring, knowing. That when we get home, we are going to make mad, passionate love.

The thrill of marriage is in the sharing. Someone who will excite at the discoveries I made, the wonders I find. I celebrate Scrubbing Bubbles^(TM), and any new products or methods that make cleaning the bathroom that much quicker and easier, and more likely to get done. I think my partner at the time had a hard time sharing my excitement. But my Bride is right there, knowing just how cool it is.

If She tells me to slow down, take a rest, She doesn’t do this from a judging distance. She has sidled next to me, and I rest my head.

God can feel the depth of the music I found, tune into the layers of syncopation, mastering, genius of my new CD. The value is not lost on Her. She’s right there with me.

God has Her own shit going on, a life outside our marriage. And she’s dedicated, involved. She gets her shit done in a day. But she’s got it under control. She fixes it to be home when I pull in, if she wasn’t already working with me. She helps me take a load off, then we share about our day.

She’s confident, but realistic, about how things went. And some days, it wasn’t the greatest. But I believe in what She’s doing. And when She’s preoccupied with the pain and suffering that slipped into the world that day, we cry together on the kitchen floor.

She doesn’t do the laundry for me. But better, She does it with me. She helps me see the joy of sharing every step of the path.

And She knows how I like to be touched. With warmth, confidence. She could pleasure me – and Sometimes she does. But in Her touch there is love, which warms through my flesh and heals my soul. Every night from now on, we will share deep, warm, luscious kisses.

Someday, to keep me fresh and alive, She will invite another woman to share our bed. She’s not a jealous Lover, so long as I’m keeping Her first. So she will find a beautiful, amazing lover to come and soak up some of the Love We share, and together we will have an incredible threesome.

There is no predicting what life will be like. What fates will draw us, and where. But I am enraptured, enthralled, and I will follow Her anywhere. This is a soul-connection, felt from before time. We will never die. For every death helps me shed and merge closer to Her. Every shredding of body, or rending of soul. The more I bleed, the more openings there are for Her to cover, wash. I fear not death, when I will patiently, finally dissolve. Her cup, with me, runneth over.

the body rock

looking down
as I'm lathering up

my round, fully engorged calf muscle

more healthy than i remember it

clear, flowing lines defining my thigh
rather perfect

fondling between my toes
isn't it intersting - i think -
that this is the part that will waste away,

deteriorate, dissolve.

my body,
that i had forgotten about.

Forgotten to look at
while I have used it.
It became a vehicle,
not an object.

It actually,
becomes
nothing

when we focus on a goal
our attention on the working.
I can feel it, daily.
Eyes closed,
from the inside.

But I cannot see it.

When I slow down
when I notice it failing, struggling

when I think about it
Then it comes back to me:
an object for my focus.

A problem, to be solved.
Just like all those years worrying
about its shape and form,
Is it a body that will be attractive when older?

Is it a body that someone will want to have sex with?

A project, to perfect.

A perfection reached only when I forgot about it.

Tariq tells a story. He is incarcerated. He held thirty cops at bay by gun in a mall parking lot.

The end of three days on the run.

The end of ten years in hiding.

In his story, while running, his description adopts a telling tone:

"I was running. I was flying. I was flight.

I hadn't eaten in days. My leg was hurt. But then, there was no pain or hunger.

There was no body driving that van. There was no van.

Just me and the road."

His body dissolved from the picture
when he was entirely focused on escape.

Our bodies will dissolve when we die.
But can we make them do so before then?


We cannot perfect our bodies by focusing on them.
We cannot improve them by taking pride in them or worrying about them.
We can only make them best when we forget about them.
Focus instead on your goal.
Let the body dissolve from your story.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
Do not store up your treasures here on earth.
Because when we focus on the form of the body, on the earthly things, they only become heavy.
They become worse.

Instead, store up your treasures in heaven.
Feel your body from the inside. Feel your flight.

Your body is the temple of heaven.
So enter into it.

We cannot change our bodies by focusing on them.
Nor can we change the world by focusing on it.
Focus on your goal
an un-earthly goal.
Do your work for the growth of heaven.
Focused on heaven.
Your body will be perfect.
Earth will become perfect.

Creating the kingdom of heaven here, by you.

Don't look at your body: feel it.
Don't look at the world: feel it.
Be in it. Experience. Connect. Without your critical mind.
For the kingdom of heaven is among us
hidden beneath the forms

Close your eyes
Bring heaven to the forefront.
Create it
by feeling it.

I love you.

rocketship love

People with a strong attractive power

can end up attracting themselves.


The roots of narcissism

and chronic self-analysis

are one in the same.


The energy, as attention, goes out into the world,

But before it reaches its target,

It gets drawn back

-like by gravity -

to its owner’s own attractive energy center.


If we are sensitive, our returning attention

encounters all the minor imperfections

of our developing selves. Thus we

self-analyze.


If we are numb, our returning attention

sees only the attractive energy center

shining through. Thus we become

narcissists.


Either way, the owners of strong energy

are trapped

by their own attractive power



This is why so many well-meaning, compassionate, talented yet insecure people

can be accused of being self-absorbed.


They will remain absorbed in themselves

until they can help their energy escape their own gravitational field.


There is an inner way and an outer way.



The outer way is to find something outside yourself that dominates your attention, that attracts you more than yourself.

For some, this is a lover. For others, it is a cause.

Anything you can find to devote yourself to

Can help to draw you out of yourself.


However, this is an imperfect world,

with wonderful, yet flawed lovers, with imperfect causes.


The self-critics can find things wrong with all of these, too,

and thus drift between lovers, between callings,

on an eternal pursuit to satisfy themselves

which is really a pursuit to forget about themselves.


That is why there is an inner way.



The inner way is to keep your attention from taking off

Never letting it get far enough away to turn back and see yourself.


Instead, ground your attention inside for a while,

in the feelings of your body, in the validity of your heart.


Hence your energy gathers inside,

Adding rocket thrusters for the blastoff.


Finally, when you turn your attention back to the world again,

it can escape your orbit,

and penetrate through the superficial flaws or perfections of others

with a sight that can see into THEIR hearts

and find new orbit there.



Then your attention does not have to return home again - not right away -

Because it has found just as much to attract it

in the hearts of any other.


When your attractive power has been added to

by the presence of your mind inside

Your vision will pierce through the atmosphere of imperfections in the world.


You can finally see and enjoy the world,

rather than yourself.


You can live and love freely,

as you choose.

Our minds are black holes

Our minds are black holes.

not figuratively, literally.

A black hole is a center of mass so dense that energy nearby is drawn in and cannot escape.

The mind is a center of stagnant, thinking energy so dense that it draws the energy of the body into it. Once trapped in the overactive mind, the energy cannot release back into the body. This results in all sorts of problems of the mind – insomnia, headaches, anxiety – and of the body – chronic fatigue, tension, and illnesses that set in due to energy-starvation.

Theories hold that energy passing into a black hole may actually leave our universe and cross into an alternative dimension of reality.

To understand how our minds also serve this function, we must know that energy follows our thoughts. If we worry about outside things too much, our energy goes there leaving our bodies tired. If you think about your palms and hold them two inches apart, you will feel the heat and magnetism of the energy field that is created there.

Every time we think about the future, it sends energy toward the creation of that future. IF we can summon the energy to act and create that future, then it is fine. Our energy goes back into the world.

However, because our energy is trapped in our minds, our bodies are too lazy and tired to create the futures we think about. Then our future-thinking becomes idle speculation, and we spend our energy worrying or dreaming about futures that will never materialize in this world. Our thinking promotes alternative realities from that which we will experience in our universe. Another dimension is created, truly, but one that will never be accessed by our material existence.

In this way, energy leaves our universe. Collectively, as our minds race out of control, energy is sucked from this universe and poured into dreams and nightmares. Leaving our universe increasingly weak and depleted.

Reversing this trend requires that we intentionally direct our light back into the world. Loving others and bringing our dreams into reality are the only ways to do this.

First, however, we must overcome the gravity of the black holes in our heads. We must draw our energy back into our body. The body must have a greater gravity than the mind. That is why physical exercise is necessary for the spiritual salvation of the world.

In a given moment, we must exert our bodies with more energy than goes into our thinking. Eventually, moderate exercise will accomplish this when our energy stabilizes. First, however, our training must regularly involve pushing our bodies to the point of failure. Expect this period to last about two years.

Thought I was an angel

I thought I was an angel

because someone’s eyes

saw the Beauty shine through me

This time I believed them

and remembered the blue and white light

shining through me.

and remembered Jeff Buckley

the breeze of heaven in his voice

And I asked: if an angel,

why these problems?

I must be a weak angel

And I answered: of course;

an angel is strong only when connected to his Father.

If God is the sun, the angel is a lens:

God shines everywhere;

the angel focuses that light on a particular point.

An angel’s job is to burn God’s love

through the paper wall around people’s hearts

A fallen angel forgets.

A fallen angel loses track of his Father.

I think we are all angels.

I think we forgot.

I thought I was an angel,

Today I forgot.

cogito ergo sumo wrestler

I am the person who makes the decisions I make.

Descartes was the one who thought the thoughts he thought.

But even that was a decision: to identify with his thoughts.

We follow Descartes; our heads get fat with thinking.

Cogito ergo sumo.

Our ego gets fat.

Cogito ego sumo.

But if we decide, our world gets fat with action, man.

‘I’ decide; there is no 'I' outside of my decisions.

no emotions, senses, perceptions, preconceptions. No taste or style. These things do not stand alone. i choose how to feel, what to see, what to take for granted.

I am my own creation.

just a dorky volitional bump in the fabric of space-time.

a center of the ripples in the pond.

be a raindrop.

* * *

Yeah!

He cans our vegetables

We can heal our bodies simply by paying attention to them.

Our bodies get sick because we focus outside too much.

If we keep half of our attention inside, all our problems are solved.

There is no more thinking. No worry, no doubt. Feel your body, act to make it feel good, keep feeling it whatever you are doing.

Mind is the middle man. The broker. He is not necessary.

When we speak, we do not need the middle man to interpret the symbols and calculate a response.

The real communication is heart to heart. Energy to energy. Middle-man more often than not gets in the way. We have the best intentions, we want to do our best to represent ourselves and express our appreciation, but middle man boxes it up. He cans our vegetables. Language is a preservative; it only needs to be used when our love needs to travel long distances, or be opened later.

Trust your heart. Trust your body. They can do the job without language, without mind. They can do a better job, if given the chance.