I’m passing out fliers.
What is this, the 15th day in a row?
Door to door, up at four AM.
Why aren’t I feeling any better?
Usually I feel the energy by now. Body moving. Mood improving
Today I’m getting worse.
My skin hurts.
If this is the way it is, I may have to quit.
But I can’t quit.
I have nowhere to go.
I have no purpose outside this, not yet.
I'm not strong enough yet..
I’d sit on my ass again, body not moving, trying to dream up a job that means something to me.
When I was lying at home, searching, my condition got worse. My mind got worse.
I was losing hope in the world.
I know if my hope dries up, my spirit will give up.
Like happened in New York, before I got this disease.
That’s like the path to death.
This means something to me.
If I give up on it,
I’ll get worse,
I’ll probably need that transplant.
Maybe I’ll die.
Probably.
But I can’t stay. This will kill me. 17 hour days.
I’m stressed.
My acne is so bad I can’t turn my head to check the blind spot in the car.
I’m supposed to be learning how to take care of myself.
Why the fuck does this have to be so hard?
I’m angry. Fucking Angry. Damnit, why’s it so hard!
Wait. Who am I angry at? My boss?
No, he’s here, too. Around the corner, dropping a flier on the newspaper.
Even he doesn’t like this. He’s in some pain, too.
But we need more calls. So we drop more fliers.
Otherwise, we have to shut our doors.
I agree, this has to be done.
Wait - God. That’s it. I’m pissed at God.
God gave me this disease. He gave me this situation.
He gave me this yoga, this job as a way to heal myself.
He made it this hard.
It’s no one in the world. No one to blame.
This is my life.
God made it this way.
Fuck, my skin!
The shirt against my shoulders hurts my acne.
I feel the nodules getting inflamed, below the surface.
So many they push together now.
My skin is not flexible, it’s a sheath.
I’m stiff. I can’t move my neck to look to the side. I have to turn from the waist.
It hurt to put my head on the pillow last night.
I had to peel my open sores from the pillowcase this morning.
FUCK!
That’s right. I’m pissed. I’m pissed at YOU, God.
That’s right. I’m angry, and I don’t want to hear about it.
(…This feels good. I’m strong when I’m angry…)
Wait – can you be pissed at God? Is that against the rules?
Do you always have to be thankful?
…?
Job. Job did it. Job got pissed at God.
That’s right, Job was the good God-loving man.
He didn’t complain when God fucked him over. He just kept taking it, and taking it.
He said why me, but he never blamed God.
Finally some dude
came and told him
he wasn’t going about it the right way.
He needed to address God, “and let the waters flow” or something like that.
So he let God have it.
And that’s when God talked back.
If Job can do it, I can do it.
Yeah, I’m pissed God. You know it.
Don’t even come near me with any grace.
You just sit there and take it, cause I’ve about had enough.
I’m angry at you.
…At least right now. Soon enough, I know I’ll have to address you with a real question.
Like Job did.
But not yet.
I like being angry.
At least for a little bit.
Five more houses, maybe.
Five more houses, then I’ll see what you got.
…
….
…..
……
…….
Allright God, why me? Why does it have to be so hard?
Why do you put me through this? Why do you give me an almost impossible situation?
Rock and a hard place.
Either way, I feel like I’ll die. I really think so.
Why does it have to be this hard. Why does it have to—
-because you are meant for greater things.
you will do much more than this.
but you must grow stronger, first.
you are growing through this –
...
whoa.
..
…
….
Wow.
That makes sense.
Was that really God?
Wow, that really makes sense. I have to be here now. I will grow stronger.
Later, I will be capable of so much more.
Through pushing myself a little,
here and now.
Without this challenge, I would be at home wasting away. Literally.
It's a gift from God.
It’s all a gift from God.
The job, and the disease.
The rock and the hard place.
Without these boulders, I wouldn't have found the strong message from... God.
..
...
This isn’t so bad out here. The sun is shining.
And my back – it started feeling better.
Whoa, it feels good to relax. I’ve been holding onto a lot of stress.
It feels good to let it go.
It sure is pretty out here.
…..
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